Parenthood

Whenever child free friends ask me to describe motherhood/parenthood the first thing I want to utter is children are the best and worst thing that can happen to you. To say they topple your world upside down is an understatement. Parenthood is to willingly lose your sanity but loving every moment of it. Or it’s like bringing a bull or many bulls into a china shop and even after everything is ruined and broken you still love and adore the bull and couldn't imagine or remember your china shop pre bull.

The challenges of having and raising children are physically  (I have wrinkles and grey hair, nail polish on one nail. One.Single.Nail. Dark circles, unruly hair and who knows when I last showered) emotionally (I cry at the thought of changing yet another diaper, cringe every time they need to use the bathroom seconds after I've cleaned it and shed tears when I have to reheat my food or tea for the umpteenth time) and mentally (I search frantically for my glasses all the while they sit nicely on my nose, take pleasure in counting to 3 especially if it means it'll move the judicial process faster and the verdict on who hit whom first would be delivered before the number '3' is uttered out of my mouth), demanding and draining to say the least.

I haven't slept properly or peacefully in eleven and a half years. Abnormal fears have taken over what once was a peaceful, worry free mind and "if" has taken over most of my vocabulary. (If you do it ever again, if I see you not listening, if you don't behave, if I feel the need to yell again, if you would've just listened, if you can't share, if you hadn't taken after your father, if you only knew. If.)

I am tired and frazzled before I leave the house and exhausted after a day of shopping. Who am I and what has happened to me? I haven't read picture free books in ages and if I did I found them "boring"or “draining”. Again, who am I?

My life is a series of interrogations which begin and end with "why". “Why must you have so many rules, why is it inappropriate to not wear underwear, why is it illegal to marry your siblings, why are you always so tired, why is your tummy squishy, why do you have freckles, why don't I have freckles, why did you marry Dad and not Captain America,  why do we have to brush our teeth daily, why can't sugar be good for you, why are vegetables healthy, why did the firefighters wave at us, why do fires happen, why do people die, why can't we have a puppy, why can't we go to the moon, why must we follow the rules, why, why, why”.

There are moments of utter chaos where I can't wait for it to be over; I've sent the children to bed at 5 p.m. just because I couldn't handle it anymore. I have uttered words that I wish I hadn't. There are nights when my husband and I look at each other depleted and exhausted and in these chaotic, bone tiring, sleep deprived moments we ask, "what were we thinking?”

The good parts are more difficult to put into words. How can I describe what it feels to love someone more than yourself; or to have your heart belong to someone with a milk mustache, filthy hands and crooked teeth? However tiring, long and draining the day is, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. How do I explain that in a single day I live a thousand lives and die a hundred deaths?

Parenthood means chaotic days and restless nights. In rare instances, the fog lifts and we stand confused, proud, baffled and grateful. Instances when the teachers thank us for raising "wonderful children" and we stare blankly making sure they are referring to the creatures we call monsters. Or that random midday call from the school office with the squeaky voice of an 8-year-old who was "just making sure you're okay."

In these unpredictable moments it occurs to us that we weren't thinking. We simply weren't. Nothing wonderful in life is ever planned or easy. We couldn't have possibly planned, imagined or even anticipated this magical chaos. I try to convey this to my child free friends, but they pitifully tell me that I've lost my mind (which is motherhood in a nutshell). So I simply smile and tell them what all the greats have always said:
You'll know once you have children of your very own.

With Love,

Jawaria